Just for Me

As we are on the verge of our move I have begun to pack up some items.  One of the things I found was a personal journal I kept to work though my inner thoughts and feelings regarding interactions between J (ex) and my boys.  

Since this blog is more or less a diary for me, I am going to transfer the entries from the journal to here. To my tens of readers, feel free to skip this.

2009 -2011

Friday December 5, 2009
This evening was a disaster. It started out that J and I were going to go to Mahoney's for dinner but it soon turned into a disagreement about the kids.  I feel he is creating divisions in our family because of his feelings about the boys and I can only see it getting worse if things continue on this way.  He, however, is unable or unwilling to even think about discussing the situation.  I really don't understand why he hates the boys so much...they are just normal, average, children.  I have taught them to be respectful, thoughtful, and kind to other people.  Any behavior issues they have I want them to be held accountable for - not hated for.  I am trying VERY HARD and will continue to try to do all the things that I feel God is leading me to do. 

Sunday December 6, 2009
J spent the day not talking to me.  I'm not sure if he is feeling bad or feeling mad because he won't communicate.  It makes me furious just thinking of the way he feels about my kids and, for the most part, it is completely unwarranted. On a whole, I do not see any difference between his daughter and the boys as far as behavior, how they act, or what they do.  They are all just normal kids...not perfect....but good kids.  But J has some preconceived notion that y children are horrible and everything they do is because they are terrible kids.  I am finding out from others that have known him for a while that he pretty much thinks ALL children are horrible and that L (his daughter) is the only good and decent child on the earth.  

Friday February 6, 2010
J and I had plans this evening to take C.J. to school for a basketball game, go have dinner, and then pick C.J. up.  Instead, when J got home from work he smelled smoke in the garage and that is when C.J. told us that he tried starting a fire in the fireplace but it didn't work so he put the logs back in the garage.  Well, J went wild!  He began swearing and throwing lawn chairs around in the garage.  I could tell C.J. felt horrible and was trying to say he didn't know that would happen but J was freaking out and yelling so loud, C.J. couldn't even be heard.  In the end, all the boys ended up coming with me because no one wanted to be left alone with J.  We dropped C.J. off at school, went to visit with the Holtz's and then picked C.J. up.  J was already in bed when we got home so I took out my Bible and sought wisdom in God's word and then wrote J a letter - which, of course, was completely ignored.

Sunday February 8, 2010
I again spent the day reflecting on my life and my decisions and trying to find the ways God is working in my life.  My human side so badly wants answers to the questions, 'why am I here?' 'Why did I leave my job and leave everything I own to move here and have it be like this?' ' Why do I remember all these conversations we had about God and religion before we were married?'  I really felt confident in his devotion to the Lord and thought we were both centered in Christ and thought our marriage and family would be the same.  


Thursday June 10, 2010
J was in a mood today!  I don't know what specifically happened to set him off because he will not communicate but I do know it had to do with one or all of the boys - shocker!  He was loading the van with things that needed to be taken back after the graduation party - rather I should say he was throwing things around and cursing - and then said to me, "why don't you just leave and take your kids with you."  I don't understand why people have to say such hurtful things!  J and I talked later in the evening but I can't say that anything changed or is different.  He just will not apologize or admit that he does anything wrong.  He also doesn't seem to care that what he is doing is hurting me so deeply.

Friday November 6, 2010
It's Jon's birthday but he didn't want to do anything at night so instead J and I went to Robbins and had a very uncomfortable dinner.  On Monday there was another situation involving his treatment of the kids and in normal J fashion, he was ignoring me and any attempt I was making to communicate.  When we got home I made another effort to stress the importance of communication but not sure if it really mattered because he still will not communicate with me.  

Friday February 26, 2011
Another one of THOSE times! I cannot figure out why J feels he need to discipline my children but not his own.  I actually don't mind the disciplining - if my child needs it then by all means, discipline them.  What I think if unfair is the way it is given...no patience and always thinking the worst.  He hates them and that is so very obvious.  It hurts.  They get in trouble for things that L (his daughter) can do?????

Saturday February 27, 2011
This evening our pastor's sermon was all about discipline - and it couldn't have come at a better time. I felt like it was a direct message from God. Of course J wasn't there because he does not go to church with us - despite leading me to believe he was a church going christian man before we married.  But when I got home I discussed it with him.  Basically you can discipline with a judging heart or a discerning heart.  A judging heart undermines unity, creates divisions, and promotes anger and hatred.  A discerning heart produces love, unity, and understanding. J definitely disciplines with a judging heart.  Instead of hating the sin and disciplining to promote a better following of God, he hates the boys and judges them,  He disciplines with a feeling of superiority (I am right and you are wrong).  Not to mention the value he places on material things which I will NEVER agree with.  Yesterday he put  a dresser above me and my feelings. Why??? If that dresser was demolished, would his life change forever?  I don't understand placing that much value on a possession.  Valuing a possession more than the feelings of a person?  Never!  Anyway, as I said I did talk to him after church but I don't think it made any difference.  He refused to discuss it and his heart is as closed off to the truth as it has always been. 

Friday May 5, 2011
There was another small (albeit HUGE) episode at our house last night, this time centering on money in a school lunch account for L (his daughter).  Some money was missing and he accused Jon of using it.  Jon said he didn't but, of course, J didn't believe him and told him that that money was in there for L only! And if he wanted money he should get it from his father (emphasis on the his).  We are talking about less than $2.00!  Poor Jon felt so worthless and I have never seen him cry so hard.  J, on the other hand, refused to even consider that he may have handled the situation wrong until I threatened to walk out!  This evening was so eye opening because I saw first hand the impact he is having on my children.  Six years ago I brought three happy well adjusted kids into this marriage and now I have two sons on antidepressants and one who would even come out of his room if J was home.  None of them want to be around him because he just does not treat them well.  I hope and pray they will be able to go out and live happy and productive lives without being affected by someone who at best tolerates them, at worst despises them.  And me, how can I live the rest of my life with someone who has done this,who knows what he is doing breaks my heart and has no remorse and sees no reason to change? 

Sunday October 9, 2011
Today was not a good day.  I just miss my boys so much.I tried talking to J about it when he was in the garage cleaning the car but in the middle of the conversation, he started having a fit because Zack accidentally left a to go box of french fries in the car last night. Then he started freaking out over "huge dents" on the inside of the passenger side front door...truthfully, I could not even see any dents at all.  Yep...the car was definitely more important then my feelings.