Continuing

Friday March 9, 2012
We had another episode at night...one where J refused to talk to us again.  All because Jerry got upset that C.J. ate ONE tortilla chip in the garage as we were getting in the car to leave!!! Seriously???? C.J. has been visiting for a whole week now and this is the first time J has talked to him and, of course, it was to yell at him.  The boys and I just left.

Saturday May 19, 2012
J and Jon drove up to Iron Mountain to meet us for my grandma's funeral.  It soon became apparent that he spent most of the ride up yelling at Jon because once they arrived they brought it into the house.  It's not that I was disagreeing with the things J was saying, I just thought it was a little insensitive to bring up drama today...but, as usual, he refused to talk about it or apologize AT ALL!  Instead he said he would just leave if I didn't want him there.  So once again, I was the one who ended up apologizing and sucking it up for the sake of saving drama.  

Tuesday June 12, 2012
This is when J and I had another wonderful conversation about C.J.. Oh how unappealing he is when he acts like he is 10 years old. All he can do is continue to bring up things that happened between him and C.J. 6 years ago and refuses to let them go so they can move forward and build a healing relationship.

Friday June 29, 2012
J asked about C.J.'s visit and when I said that nothing had changed and C.J. would still be coming for a 5 week visit he slammed his computer shut and started with the, "I'm leaving" talk again.  Then he throws in the, "I hope you can afford to pay the mortgage on your own" because oh how he loves to point out that he pays all the bills.  I am so sick of the anger and hatred.  I cannot believe this is the same man I married 7 years ago - the one who told me he was a christian man.  If my son wants to visit then he should be able to visit.

Saturday June 30
This morning, J and I went to M's funeral.  It was a beautiful heart-wrenching service. There is something more personal and heart breaking when the funeral is for a child.  Anyway, the pastor talked about giving your life to God and what it takes to see the kingdom of heaven and my heart was so certain that this would have an impact on J...but sadly...no.  We weren't home for 5 minutes before he told me I could "leave" for making a passing remark about the size of our property.  Oh God...I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so unloved and unwanted.  I don't understand why he is so angry and why his heart is so hard. I feel like I could leave tomorrow - or even die tomorrow - and he would not care in the least.  He lacks empathy.

Friday July 13, 2012
Today was another "great" day.  Truthfully, I know that after six plus years of begging and pleading and praying and fasting that his heart and attitude towards the boys is not going to change.  And as much as that breaks my heart, I am willing to stay and try and work through that.  What I cannot live with is his continual mention of leaving, me leaving, or divorce.  Of course it was mentioned again today.  I apologized but once again, he refused to even consider apologizing.  There is no compromise and no willingness to seek counseling.  I just don't understand it...where is his commitment to our marriage?

Saturday July 14, 2012
Today was no better than yesterday.  While I was cleaning the kitchen I reminded J of his niece's graduation party at which point he proceeded to ask me if I was going along...is he for real?  One minute he is talking divorce and the next he is asking me if I'm going to a family party?  I seriously have a difficult time understanding him.  I needed to go to the pharmacy so I also bought a graduation card and then came home and literally begged him not to file for divorce while he calmly looked at me like he could care less????

January 18, 2013
Once J got home from work and showered, we went back to school to watch the play. Zack had the lead male part and did great!!!  Of course, J did not say a single word to Zack after the play was over. He did not congratulate him or tell him he did well.  This was not surprising I guess...after all, he only communicates with the boys when he is either yelling at them or telling them they did something wrong or giving them orders.  It's almost like he wants to ignore when they do something well because then he can pretend it didn't happen.  When Zack won MVP in basketball last year, J never said a thing.  When we come home from games J will ask how the game went but if I tell him that Zack had a great game or that Zack was the high scorer, he will only say, "oh." I don't get it AT ALL!!!  When Zack won an art award last year (a major accomplishment for him) and I told J about it, the first thing out of his mouth was, "he left a glass downstairs."  The best way I can describe it is it's as if I am living two separate lives...one as his wife and one as the boy's mother...and they are in totally separate worlds.  J wants nothing to do with the boys and, now, the boys want nothing to do with J either.  And I can't say I blame them. I feel more and more hopeless each day and feel that there will not be a happy ending to this.