Right Where I Am - October Edition

Since this is my blog and since these are my real life feelings, I am going to continue this "right where I am" series because 1). I want to be able to look back someday and realize how far I've come and 2). it is very therapeutic in a sense to write my feelings out.

I think it's been about 3 weeks since I began counseling with my school pastor and was advised to confront my true feelings about God and the situation I find myself in right now.  

This is moving along very slowly.  This is the opposite of everything I have ever done and old habits are hard to stop.  I continue to wrap up my prayers with a pretty bow of gratitude for my blessings.  

My pastor is helping me to realize that all this denial is creating a veil that is separating me from having a deep and meaningful relationship with God.  Right now my relationship with him is fake and it is going to get messy and ugly before it get's better.  He related it to cleaning out a really messy closet...You have to pull everything out before you can organize it and put it all back in.  

I am mad as hell!!!  And I only say that because that is the exact term my pastor used today.  10 years ago I was living in Florida by my family, I had a well paying job and was beginning a retirement account. I had a nice 3 bedroom house that I paid $119,000.00 for.  I sold it for $180,000.000 after only three years so, by now, I would have much more equity built up.  My plan was to keep it until the boys were out of the house and on their own...sell it...buy a retirement home (either a condo or a manufactured home in a retirement community) and put the remaining money in an account for retirement.  I had a plan, a goal, a good future.  

Now, 10 years later...I have nothing.  I have some money from our house and some money from our joint retirement account...but I have to start all over again.  I have moving expenses and I have to find another job, and I have to make enough money to support a household...and NONE of this was in my future plans when I decided to get married again.

So...I have wasted 10 years of my life with someone who for the better part of our marriage had no interest or commitment in our relationship.  Someone who could take us or leave us...someone who was okay with us living there with him - but also is just as okay if we don't.  Someone who at best tolerated my children but who more often hated them and treated them poorly.  

And I want to scream, "WHY???WHY???WHY???"  Why couldn't I just live the life I had planned in Florida?  Why did you bring me to Wisconsin for this failure?  Why do I now have to start all over again???  Why did my children have to experience living like that? 

So that is where I am...I think I'll be cleaning out my closet for a while.  This is gonna take time.