Facing the Ugly

I have begun some intense counseling sessions with our school pastor.

Ironically, he was the same pastor that married us 9 years ago - when my husband was still a normal, functioning, human being with feelings.  And all.

 He has advised me to face the ugly.  I have been challenged to "rip off my band-aids and gush blood all over the place."  

In other words, it's okay to admit that I am mad...I am hurt...I feel abused...and I feel betrayed...and I need to bring all these things to the surface and meet them head-on.  Deal with them.  Even if that means that the one I am angry at is God.


This is so difficult for me!  Because I've always believed I should be grateful for all that I do have (and I do have a lot) and there is always someone out there who has it much worse than you do.  

But, you know what? Today's session was very eye opening to me.  As I'm digging up and confronting the ugly, I am realizing that I need to grieve. That it's okay to grieve.  I am grieving a loss that is very real.  And although I feel certain that this is the right thing to do and the best thing for my boys and me, I still have never taken the time to face the fact that I lost something that was very important to me....not my marriage like it was...but my marriage like it was supposed to be...like I was promised it would be.  

I am so thankful that I have an almighty father who loves me no matter what I do or how I act - even if I scream at him and throw a fit like a toddler (which I might feel led to do).  Even when I whine about the fact that I did not get what I think I should have gotten - he still loves me. 

And right now...that is great to know because it's about to get ugly.