Just A Little!

The past two weeks have been "just a little" difficult for me... I've been "just a little" depressed and I have felt "just a little" like throwing a pity party for myself.... but "just a little" one.



You see, I have "just a little" problem... and I've had this "little" problem over 20 years now... with no answers as to what causes this "little" problem...  which, in my mind, turns this "little" problem into a BIG problem.


The problem has to do with my ability to breathe, or should I rather say my ability to breathe is fine... I guess... the problem is that I FEEL like I cannot breathe... a lot of the time... I cough.. a lot of the time... and it hurts... a lot of the time.



Frustration enters when NOBODY can determine why this happens... and why no medications can make this go away... except prescription cough syrups sometimes help... well, yes they help all the time... but who wants to take those things on a constant basis?  No, not for me!



The depressing truth is that since 1985 I have suffered with this issue... I have been to doctor after doctor including an ENT, pulmonologist, and allergist and have been given a diagnoses ranging from chronic bronchitis to lung scarring to cough variant asthma.   However, since breathing tests, chest x-rays, oxygenation levels, etc, don't back up any of those, the one that seems most plausible at this point is that I have "weak, crappy lungs"!  How is that for a diagnosis?



And if I am really honest, I have to admit that I have had lung and breathing issues my whole life, it has just gotten worse since 1985.  According to my wonderful aunt, who was my caretaker when I was a newborn, she would stay awake at night and just listen to me breathe because it sounded so labored she was afraid I would stop breathing at any time.  Add to that the bronchitis I had when I was 6 mo., 1 year, 18 mo., 2 years, 2.5 years, and 3.5 years,  also when I was 6, 8, and 12.  And I was hospitalized with pneumonia a couple months before I turned three.  So the question becomes "did all that damage my lungs?" or " is all that because my lungs are damaged?" 



So, two weeks ago I sat down with my allergist who has been treating me for cough variant asthma for the past almost two years.  Our discussion centered around the lovely fact that the numbers from the pulmonary function tests I've been taking intermittently, do not indicate asthma..... actually, they do not indicate ANYTHING!  They are good... great... airway function perfection (almost)... never mind the fact that after I take those stupid tests I cough uncontrollably for hours after!!  I am the perfect specimen of a breathing machine.  ****disclaimer:she did not say all these things,  I am embellishing****



Back to square one we go... no answers... no magic medicine... and I feel like having "just a little" pity party... and since today is my birthday, I'll have one of them instead of a birthday party. 



Seriously though, I made a deal with God two years ago that if I am meant to live my life out with no answers, I will do my best to accept that.  Now, that acceptance needs to begin.