Just A Little!

The past two weeks have been "just a little" difficult for me... I've been "just a little" depressed and I have felt "just a little" like throwing a pity party for myself.... but "just a little" one.



You see, I have "just a little" problem... and I've had this "little" problem over 20 years now... with no answers as to what causes this "little" problem...  which, in my mind, turns this "little" problem into a BIG problem.


The problem has to do with my ability to breathe, or should I rather say my ability to breathe is fine... I guess... the problem is that I FEEL like I cannot breathe... a lot of the time... I cough.. a lot of the time... and it hurts... a lot of the time.



Frustration enters when NOBODY can determine why this happens... and why no medications can make this go away... except prescription cough syrups sometimes help... well, yes they help all the time... but who wants to take those things on a constant basis?  No, not for me!



The depressing truth is that since 1985 I have suffered with this issue... I have been to doctor after doctor including an ENT, pulmonologist, and allergist and have been given a diagnoses ranging from chronic bronchitis to lung scarring to cough variant asthma.   However, since breathing tests, chest x-rays, oxygenation levels, etc, don't back up any of those, the one that seems most plausible at this point is that I have "weak, crappy lungs"!  How is that for a diagnosis?



And if I am really honest, I have to admit that I have had lung and breathing issues my whole life, it has just gotten worse since 1985.  According to my wonderful aunt, who was my caretaker when I was a newborn, she would stay awake at night and just listen to me breathe because it sounded so labored she was afraid I would stop breathing at any time.  Add to that the bronchitis I had when I was 6 mo., 1 year, 18 mo., 2 years, 2.5 years, and 3.5 years,  also when I was 6, 8, and 12.  And I was hospitalized with pneumonia a couple months before I turned three.  So the question becomes "did all that damage my lungs?" or " is all that because my lungs are damaged?" 



So, two weeks ago I sat down with my allergist who has been treating me for cough variant asthma for the past almost two years.  Our discussion centered around the lovely fact that the numbers from the pulmonary function tests I've been taking intermittently, do not indicate asthma..... actually, they do not indicate ANYTHING!  They are good... great... airway function perfection (almost)... never mind the fact that after I take those stupid tests I cough uncontrollably for hours after!!  I am the perfect specimen of a breathing machine.  ****disclaimer:she did not say all these things,  I am embellishing****



Back to square one we go... no answers... no magic medicine... and I feel like having "just a little" pity party... and since today is my birthday, I'll have one of them instead of a birthday party. 



Seriously though, I made a deal with God two years ago that if I am meant to live my life out with no answers, I will do my best to accept that.  Now, that acceptance needs to begin.

Wait For It... Wait For It




Listening carefully as I am asking him if he wants a treat



Trying to ignore the treat on the floor because I said "no"





 Finally being put out of his misery by being allowed to eat

Yum Yum

This post could alternately titled "I Have Nothing Else to Blog About"

Pathetic



This is the sad, pathetic, look I get when I tell him he cannot go in the car with us!



Basketball

Another basketball season is upon us. 

Even though I am home-schooling Zack right now, I have kept him enrolled at Oshkosh Christian School for Music and Gym so he is able to join the basketball team. 
Tonight Zack had his first basketball game and unlike last year, he played just about the whole game - except for two couple minute breaks.  In fact, he probably played more tonight than he played all of last year. 


But this year was different in other ways too.  There was no screaming or yelling coming from the bench - and by that I mean from the coaches!! 




In fact, if you don't mind, I am going to get on my soapbox here for a moment:
I have long had issues with coaches who have their priorities in this order
1). winning
2). the heart of a child


It is possible that I look at this differently because I am/was a teacher and I am keenly aware of their self concepts and self-esteem.  I understand how quickly and easily their opinions of self worth can be damaged or destroyed. 


What message is sent to a 10 or 11 year old that sits on the bench for all but a minute or two?


Here is the message I think they get "we need to win and sorry, kid, you're not good enough to get it done."


"YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH"


This is not the message young kids should be getting.


Maybe I would not make a good coach because winning games would not be high on my list.  In fact, if I was a coach, my list would look something like this:
1). glorifying God in all we do
2). acceptance of everyone (read...equal playing time for all)
3). having fun
4). winning


Anyway, enough... I will get off my soapbox... all I am trying to say is that last year Zack had some really great people as coaches.. but as coaches they weren't great people.  Does that make sense?  They played only the best players and yelled at the children CONSTANTLY from the bench if they did something wrong... and let's get real.. these were 10 and 11 year olds... they were going to do a lot wrong!  This year, there are new coaches and though it has only been one game... there was a huge difference!  No yelling....everyone played.... and they lost (SO WHAT)!  I love it!


Zack had an awesome game.  though he didn't score any of the team's 18 points (15 were scored by the same person) he had four or five rebounds,  two steals, a blocked shot, and  two fouls.  I am so proud of you, Zack.

Birthday Boy

Jonathan:
16 years ago... you looked like this...




Today.. you are a adult!




You are still just as cute, just as special, and just as loved as you were 16 years ago. Oh yeah, and you'll always be my baby boy.... deal with it.


I am so proud of the man you have become and am glad that God chose me to be your mom!