He's Gone

He's gone.


I took him to the airport today.


After living in the same house as him for 19 years...he's gone.


And now, no matter what happens, he will always be gone, only a visitor in my house.


While emotions are over-flowing... words are not coming easy.


For me:


I just want more time with him.


If he can't be in my house, I want him to be closer than 1100 miles away!!!


For him:


I want him to be happy.


I want him to be successful.


I want him to feel loved.


I want him to feel secure.


I want him to feel good about himself.


I want him to be content.


Most of all, I want him to continue to follow God.


On the way home from the airport I heard the Green Day song "Time of Your Life" and the tears began to flow. I pray that when he looks back on his childhood I have succeeded in making it a good one for him. I made many mistakes, this I know for certain, things I wish I could take back, but hopefully, the good far outweighs the bad.


I think it only fitting that I share my best and worst mother moment with him.


The worst is easy...October of 1999 - he was 8 and we had just moved to Florida. He was playing soccer on a team and really didn't enjoy it. On the date of his last soccer game (which was at night) we had gone to the beach in the afternoon and he claimed to have hurt his toe on something in the ocean. He was limping and crying and making a huge deal out of this. I, of course, decided that since there was no sign of damage to the toe, and since he had made it quite obvious that he did not want to go to his soccer game that night, he was lying and his toe was fine! We did not go to his game, but I was so mad that I made him stay in his room all evening.
So, I felt like the worst mother in the world when he woke up the next morning and his toe was hugely swollen and black and blue! HE HAD BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH!!!


There have been many, many, "best" moments. Moments when I was so proud of him. He was intelligent in school and won many awards, including the school spelling bee. He showed unbelievable perserverance by working hard to overcome difficultiy breaking boards to earn his black belt when he was only 11. But, this past year, he made me extremely proud when he put aside his own feelings to play in the father/son basketball game with Zack at school. I know this was very hard for C.J. because he hates having attention drawn to himself, but he put this aside and put Zack first. And Zack was thrilled. And he made memories with Zack that will last a lifetime.


I love you, C.J. and I'll miss you.