First Day of School....With a Twist

So... today was the first day of school at Oshkosh Christian School... and on this day I would be greeting my new fourth graders, going over classroom rules, and getting acclimated.


This year I thought there would be no first day... I was wrong. But it was not in the fourth grade, it was in third grade. The third grade teacher had a baby over the summer and wanted some more time off so I will be subbing for the first six weeks of school and Zack will be in the fifth grade for the first quarter.


It was a fun day but shocking how little the kids were - compared to the full-fledged 10 year olds I was teaching just three short months ago. Most of the third graders are 8(a couple have already turned 9). The curriculum is also soooo simple compared to fourth grade.


So, our school year is starting out much different than i had originally thought... but pleasantly so. God had other plans for me and the money will be helpful to pay the bills and to save for our Christmas trip to Florida.


It is sure different making the trek to school without C.J. I miss him.

He's Gone

He's gone.


I took him to the airport today.


After living in the same house as him for 19 years...he's gone.


And now, no matter what happens, he will always be gone, only a visitor in my house.


While emotions are over-flowing... words are not coming easy.


For me:


I just want more time with him.


If he can't be in my house, I want him to be closer than 1100 miles away!!!


For him:


I want him to be happy.


I want him to be successful.


I want him to feel loved.


I want him to feel secure.


I want him to feel good about himself.


I want him to be content.


Most of all, I want him to continue to follow God.


On the way home from the airport I heard the Green Day song "Time of Your Life" and the tears began to flow. I pray that when he looks back on his childhood I have succeeded in making it a good one for him. I made many mistakes, this I know for certain, things I wish I could take back, but hopefully, the good far outweighs the bad.


I think it only fitting that I share my best and worst mother moment with him.


The worst is easy...October of 1999 - he was 8 and we had just moved to Florida. He was playing soccer on a team and really didn't enjoy it. On the date of his last soccer game (which was at night) we had gone to the beach in the afternoon and he claimed to have hurt his toe on something in the ocean. He was limping and crying and making a huge deal out of this. I, of course, decided that since there was no sign of damage to the toe, and since he had made it quite obvious that he did not want to go to his soccer game that night, he was lying and his toe was fine! We did not go to his game, but I was so mad that I made him stay in his room all evening.
So, I felt like the worst mother in the world when he woke up the next morning and his toe was hugely swollen and black and blue! HE HAD BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH!!!


There have been many, many, "best" moments. Moments when I was so proud of him. He was intelligent in school and won many awards, including the school spelling bee. He showed unbelievable perserverance by working hard to overcome difficultiy breaking boards to earn his black belt when he was only 11. But, this past year, he made me extremely proud when he put aside his own feelings to play in the father/son basketball game with Zack at school. I know this was very hard for C.J. because he hates having attention drawn to himself, but he put this aside and put Zack first. And Zack was thrilled. And he made memories with Zack that will last a lifetime.


I love you, C.J. and I'll miss you.

Painful Growth

One of the biggest struggles I have as a Chriistian woman, and I am pretty sure most people will agree, is being grateful for the trials and tribulations in my life. To actually THANK God for the pain and hurt I have - and be happy and sincere about it!


Seriously, I hate pain, and hurt, and meaness, and illness... this is why I cannot wait until Jesus comes again and we can live in that perfect "Garden of Eden" God meant for us before Adam and Eve sinned. So it seems like a contradiction to hate pain and suffering with everything ounce of my being (for that is NOT how God intended for us to live) and then thank God for sending it my way.


As a mother, that feeling multiplies. Now, I deal with the pain of watching my children suffer and then being grateful to God for that.


How absolutely difficult is that?


I would love nothing more than to see my children bounce out of bed in the morning with a happiness that lasts all day long - every day. But, of course, that is not the way it is. All experiences, good or bad, have contributed to shaping us.. to helping us grow into who God wants us to be.


Right now, we have some of that "painful growth" going on in our household. C.J., having been home for a week, will leave again tomorrow for college. He doesn't want to go... I soooo don't want him to go... Zack is sad about this as well... and this all adds up to one big painful growth experience.


But I have still been thanking God every night for this and know that all will end well if we follow Him.


But right now the thoughts of:
-no more Packer games together
- no more going to school together
- no more Tortilla Flats Fridays
- no more church Saturdays
-no more Volleyball games
-no more Basketball games


it's all too sad!


BUT I THANK YOU FOR IT, GOD!

What is the Deal with....Men

Someone help me here:


Men and women ARE different... I get that. Nature vs. nuture is a mystery. I, myself, have raised three boys who all have completely different personalities and have had my struggles dealing with parts of their personalities that I - shall I say - "dislike".


However, it has been the sensitive nature of my youngest one that I have had the most difficult time with. Even at 11, he doesn't deal well with disappointment... or injustice... or ...doing something wrong. Most anything out of the ordinary has been cause to break out into a good cry. Sometime around the time he was 5, I was discussing my frustration over this with my mom and what she said to me resonated so loudly that I will NEVER forget it... she said...


"You women, you want a sensitive husband but when you have a sensitive son you don't like it and want to change him."




Light bulb moment! Yes, it is true. At least for me, there is nothing more endearing than seeing a man cry... on his wedding day, or at the birth of his child, or even while watching a touching movie. For a man to show his feelings is so touching... and so rare.


Is my husband one of "those" sensitive natured men... soooooo not! I know deep down that he loves me and, most of the time, I would rate our marriage as better than the average. But sensitive and romantic are not in his vocabulary and communication is even further down on the list.


So how do men and women live together with such different ideals? How do people actually make marriages work when they are so far apart on the relationship radar as far as wants and needs? Don't get me wrong.. I am not saying my marriage is in trouble or anything. I just want to know what I can do to build on it...make it stronger. The fact that we both had failed marriages in the past means we both failed at building that strong, lasting, relationship. We failed at establishing that bond that should withstand the blast of an atom bomb.


I don't want to repeat mistakes. I want to work at tying a knot in that cord that connects our hearts together... so that it cannot break apart. I guess my point is... that kind of thing may be easy to do with a willing, sensitive partner... but what if you don't have that? Then how is this accomplished? Can it be accomplished or am I wasting time, effort, and breath?


My latest effort is the book Love Dare (a year of devotions for couples). Needless to say, it was not met with the response I was looking for. It was more of an attitude of "well, it wouldn't be my choice, but I'll do it because I know you want me to..." After three days, I still have to grab the book and initiate each session. Is this normal?


I am babbling so I am going to end this.... I will forge on with the book..wish me well.

The Summer of Nothing

That about sums up this summer which explains my lack of updating. Nothing to do - nowhere to go - and, most frustrating, no money at all.


Okay, so is hasn't been quite that bad - in fact, despite the fact that my paychecks stopped on June 20th, Zack and I have been to countless movies this summer (Shrek, Toy Story, Karate Kid, Avatar(twice), Marmaduke). Also, I was able to see Twilight with Carey, and we got to see the Newsboys at Lifefest in July.


But, other than that, the only highlights have been trips to the dog park and a visit from my mother for 10 days. Even the trips to the dog park had to be stopped for awhile due to excessive rain which caused a very muddy park. And when you have a dog that 1). becomes deaf the minute you enter the park (really, he listens great at home but not there!) and 2). will find every puddle no matter how small it is and 3). decides he NEEDS to lie down in said puddle... well, you get the idea. It leads to many baths followed by having to clean out the bathtub and doing a load of laundry... yeah.... just not worth it!


So, this summer has been kind of a bust... I feel like all I do is watch T.V., read, or sit on my computer... I miss my older boys... and most of all, I miss the fact that I will not be going back to teaching this year. If I was going back I'd be tearing out worksheets and getting my room ready right now.


But understand, it is so much more than just not going back this year... even if I would be teaching this year... things would not be the same. I am in a "pity party" kind of state lately wishing I could turn back the clock...


I know things could be so much worse... but, at times, I just can't help it.


I feel called to do something that I don't feel my husband supports and because of that, so much has changed this summer. Now, I will not be going back to school next year to fulfill my dream of getting my masters degree. I learned a very painful lesson that my dream was just that - MY dream - selfish. When I made the decision I had honestly thought we were on the same page about it. But the truth is - we are not... so I will still homeschool (to save on tuition) and seek a nighttime job to contribute to household expenses this year and get back into the teaching hunt next year.


I'd be lying if I said this didn't hurt me.... it's one of those times I feel torn between answering the call of God ... or supporting my spouse and being obedient to his wishes. I know the hierarchy is God...spouse...family... but, is ignoring the wishes of my spouse being obedient to God? This I don't know the answer to. In the end, I can only pray for guidance and trust that God knows I am trying to make the right and the best decision.


On a brighter note, C.J. is coming home for a week the 10th-17th and even though his schedule is pretty full of fun with friends I can't wait to see him again. Two things I really hope we can do though is get up to see my grandmother and go to a Brewers game. He has been asking me for years to take him to a Brewers game and now, I am out of time... this is it! I somehow have to do it now... even if we sit in bleacher seats.... it will still be fun because we will be creating memories.


On the medical front...
Zack has been put back on Concerta and so far so good. The medication works very well for him but three years ago he lost 20 pounds in 3 months and had to be taken off... well, now he is back up in weight a bit so if he starts to lose again it won't be a big deal unless it gets excessive again.
I had the joy of getting two more teeth pulled last week - both were molars.. both were broken.. and both were infected/had absesses. In fact, since end of May I have been on antibiotics/pain medicine on an almost constant basis so it was time. Now, I have trouble eating and chewing without molars on the bottom of my mouth so I am going to need to think about some kind of reconstruction which translates into...MONEY!


The bottom line is that I am doing far too much worrying and have too much melancoliness (is that a word?) going on when I should be letting go and letting God direct my life. Since I suspect this could be a difficult month (should be going back to school) I am going to try to do just that!