Life With My Boys: The Grief Train

Wednesday, January 22, 2025

The Grief Train

To inject some kind of light-heartedness into our situation, I like to say that the grief train paid us a visit and just will not leave!

My post on the worst day ever...I never would have thought we'd have two more just like it.

Just 23 days after losing my dad, I was in my classroom on a Monday morning when I got a call from my sister. I happily answered my phone only to hear her say, "we lost mom". I have to admit, my first thought was, 'lost her where?' so I asked, "what do you mean?" Her answer was that my mother had passed away in her sleep. I kept my composure until we hung up and then, well, I've never cried so hard in my whole life. Thank God my kids were in Art and not in my room. My loud wails drew the attention of the teachers across the hall (who were also childless at the time) and they came in and listened and hugged me as I wailed over and over again the words, "both of them - they're both gone?" One of them went to get our principal and somehow I got myself together so I could leave my room and my kids could come back from Art. I then drove home crying the whole way.

The strangest thing and the thing that gives me the most peace, is that on Sunday evening she made a post on Facebook saying that she could hear my dad in his "mancave." I truly believe she did. God tells me, "she wanted him, I sent him, and she wanted to go with him."

I have this image of my dad in his mancave, looking young and handsome holding out his hand to my mom. She grabs it and becomes her young and beautiful self, and they walk off together.

And while we are left devastated, they are as happy as can be.

As if that wasn't enough, 23 days after that, we had to put our wonderful, amazing, and best dog in the world to sleep. Two weeks ago today, he ran across that rainbow bridge and jumped into my mom's arms. I knew the time left with our sweet boy was getting short, but I was hoping for a couple more months to let our hearts heal a little. But God had other plans and made it clear that it was his time.

I've been on a grief roller coaster. Sometimes I am absolutely fine and temporarily forget about things, but then there are days when I can hardly breathe and the tears come easily. There are days where my faith is strong and I whole-heartedly lean on God knowing he will lead me through this, and then there are days I just scream out, "why?" Or feel like running off somewhere and try to leave all this grief behind...but I realize that is not possible. I feel horrible that my dad gets lost in all this grief. We knew he was not well and that he was not going to be around much longer. He had lost the ability to care for himself and had lost so much dignity, that it was a little easier to accept because he did not want to live life that way. But my mom's death was completely unexpected. She had a compression fracture in her back that was quite painful for her and she was losing weight, muscle mass, and getting weaker. But never did it cross my mind that she wouldn't heal, regain her mobility and strength, and have a few more good years with us.

I decided that we needed some happiness and joy in our life so I started looking for puppies/young dogs who needed homes. The aways say adopt, don't shop, but after 12-15 inquiries on adoptable dogs not one single person responded. Sadly, the animal shelters are overrun with pit bulls and pit bull mixes. That is not my breed of choice and is a forbidden breed in my lease anyway.

Finally, I looked at 'purebreds' for sale. Lord Almighty some of those puppies are going for $3,000 - $4,000. I even saw a couple upwards of $8,000! Nope and thank you!

I hit a home-run finding a golden doodle born on December 17 for $650! I love the poodle breed (Ollie had that as well) because the shedding is very minimal and they are good for people with allergies. So Zack picked out our boy, named him Brayden (after Brayden Point), and I put a $200 deposit down on him.

Meet our new family member