Thoughts on Marriage

This has been a very challenging summer.  When you are not receiving a paycheck and are waiting on the IRS to send you $7,000.00 by mail (which still hasn't arrived) - every day seems an eternity. To say I am ready for school to begin and feel some sense of peace and purpose would be an understatement. 

Anyway, what does any of the have to do with the title of the post?  I have had a lot of time to think this summer about my "former life" also known as my "Wisconsin life" or my "married to Jerry" life.  

I had a job I absolutely LOVED (Valley Christian will probably always be my favorite place to work), I had no financial concerns, and I was surrounded by amazing friends.  Sounds great, right? 

BUT, what I didn't have was a husband who loved me.  I didn't have a partner in a committed marriage.  I had a husband who, in his own words, could "live with me."  In reality, what those words meant were - I don't really care if you're here or not. 

As the years in our marriage progressed and I found the tensions building and the happiness fading, I did everything I could think of to hold us together. I tried things I read on the internet. I acted in ways the Bible teaches us to act in a marriage. I wrote letters. I bought books and devotions to read together. I set up dates for us. And above all, I prayed. 

What I failed to realize at that time, though, is that those things only work when there are two willing parties.  Our marriage did not have that.  Once I realized I was the only one who was willing to nurture and tend to our relationship, I started looking for information on, "how can one person keep a marriage going?"  

Not surprisingly, I came up empty everywhere I turned.  One person cannot keep a relationship going. We were doomed and whatever I did from then on was useless because there was zero interest from the other party.  

I remember my mom was staying with us and I told her I was going to tell Jerry that night that I think it was time to put put a period at the end of our marriage. 

My mom was nervous, she said she didn't want be here when we were fighting or yelling.  I laughed and said, "mom, he is not going to care."  And I was right. His response, which provided a clear and succinct view into his callous and disinterested heart was simply, "OK." 

And that was it.  It was over.  

Reminiscing about my life in Wisconsin is so melancholy. Everything about life there was so wonderful - except my marriage. I wish to God I could have changed that......................